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So much has happened since I've written.

Part of me wants to close this LJ down ... and start a new chapter.

6 months.

In 1 day your life can change.

In 6 months ... damn.

I will start ...

Chris and I broke up after almost 2.5 years. We became miserable. There was nothing left for me ... I doubt there was much left for her. It was devastating. We were looking at houses to buy. We were within a few months from moving together and starting our lives permanently.
Well, nothing's really permanent, is it?
I moved on. I lost 30 lbs, got a new job, started learning to love life again. Everything had been so horrible; not only between us, but every aspect of my life was looking down. I'm proud to say that now my life is on track.

I have a new girlfriend, her name is Amanda - AJ for short. She's unlike anyone I've ever been with ... she's great. We've been together almost a month, seeing eachother for almost 2. It's still new, we're still learning things about eachother all the time. I have fun with her. We don't have to be doing much ... we find fun in the small things. There's such a natural chemistry between us, it feels so refreshing. Besides the fact that she can be easily irritated and at times a little moody ... I have yet to find anything about her I really disagree with. She's a wonderful person, and we take care of eachother. Not to mention she's almost 21 and is a Sophomore in college, so she's going somewhere. I'm happy around her.

I may be moving to an apartment soon. My friend Susan said she might be able to get me the apartment next door to her. She's a manager for the complex where she lives. PLUS ... with assistance and a part-time job at the complex my rent would only be $142 a month. Yes please?
We'll see how things go. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best, I suppose.

I'm currently working for my father. I'm getting paid a weekly salary. It's actually working out so much better than all the other times I've worked for him. He's serious about it this time and there are a lot of things for me to do. I'm really content here, working with my parents. My life around the house has actually gotten better - not to mention it helps that I'm home more often now than say ... a few months ago.

I've quit doing drugs. Besides cigarette smoke, there's nothing going into my lungs. Even that sounds disgusting. I quit when the break-up happened. I haven't smoked pot in two months. It's crazy ... and AJ and I made a promise to eachother (corny, I know) that we wouldn't do drugs, either. Not so corny, really ... but you get my drift. I've really gotten into a much healthier way of living. I can't explain how happy I am not compared to the beginning of this year.

My life is looking up and I hope things continue this way. As for now, I need to be getting back to work. Oops ... :D
Today is my two year anniversary with Chris.

Yesterday I did my surprise for her, since today we had to go to work
and school and we celebrate on both the 17th and the 18th because we
hooked up at 4 am on the 18th, but we hadn't yet gone to sleep ... so it
was kind of like it was still the 17th for us.

Whew, what a mouth full.

So my surprise ...

She woke up to find a trail of paper hearts. In order, the first five
hearts read: '730 days' '104 weeks' '24 months' '2 years' 'I have loved

When she opened her door, there was a trail of hearts with things I have
loved about her and about us over the past two years. It led into her
living room where the last one was on the coffee table and it read

She was crying before she even finished the first one I think. I was
really afraid she wouldn't like it, considering it's kind of like this
letter I wrote for her a long time ago called 'Because', with reasons
why I love her. But she loved it and I was really glad.

We spent the whole day together, alone in her house, doing whatever we
want. I'm always really glad when her parents go away because they
expect her to stay with me or me with her, and we get to be alone with
no one else to worry about. It's such a nice break from the rest of the
world, from the stresses we have to deal with on a day to day basis.

I don't mind that we make messes that we have to clean up; I don't mind
cleaning up after us. I do it when I want to. We sleep when we want
to, we eat whatever we want without criticism. We watch movies about
gay people or movies where people cuss. We smoke whenever we want, we
used our hookah in the house. We drank and no one stopped us ... we ate
chocolates with little drops of alcohol in them. We had sex as loudly
as we pleased.

We were who we are and no one stopped us.

It was such a great weekend ... and chances are we'll be doing it again
the rest of all this week and possibly all next weekend.

I feel so refreshed. I really needed a small vacation, even if it means
I still have to go to work and have responsibilities.

I know it's silly, but I think of how it will be when Christin and I
move out together next year. I know we will have a roommate so we won't
have the freedom to walk around in our underwear or anything, but it
will still be similar I think. I hope.

I hope everyone had as great a weekend as I did!
I feel weird about my job.

I really like it here, I like what I do, and I pretty much like all the
people ...

But I realize that of everyone in my department, I'm the one stuck with
the shit work. I was never assigned many accounts, only Theme Accounts
(like Disney, Sea World, etc.) and help with ROE (which I haven't even
gotten into and I doubt I will). I get on average about one email a
week for work with Disney, and maybe about 2 orders a week as well
(which is nothing).

The rest of my work is other people's work. They have more important
things to do with their accounts than orders. Lisa has all the A-L
accounts and Shaila has M-Z. Do you have any clue how many accounts we
have? Thousands.

And what, I get Theme accounts and that's it? They get to split the
rest of them? I understand that I was assigned my accounts the first
week I was here, and that Shaila's been here 7 months now, and although
Lisa's only been here about 2, she worked here prior to that.

On top of it, the thing that worries me, is that I see how much better
everyone is than me. There's a logic to our system and I don't have it
all down. There are many things I have forgotten that I shouldn't have.

I don't want to suck at my job, and I don't want to be stuck with shit
work the rest of the time I work here. I wonder if in 5 more months
I'll be as good as Shaila, you know?

It worries me. This all worries me ...

Dec. 8th, 2006

Thanksgiving was boring; I think I slept most of the day. Then Chris,
Tanya and I went to see 'Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make
Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan'. It was alright ... I definitely
thought it was going to be much better. Sacha Baron Cohen's character
is amazing, Borat himself was the best part of the movie. I also loved
his jokes and things relating to his hometown and his family, those were
funny as well. However, I was not too thrilled with all the things he
did in America. I enjoyed quite a few of the scenes ... it was just the
whole Pamela Anderson thing. It really let me down ... I thought it was
all going to be great improv ... and nothing relating to Pam Anderson.
But ... it was and it wasn't and the movie was okay.
Since Thanksgiving, I'm not sure that I can say much has been happening.
I've gotten sick, had to miss two days of work, and bought Christmas
Bring on the holidays!

New Years is my favorite holiday, and while most people think that
Christmas has a bigger meaning the receiving and giving gifts, I don't
really think it does. So bring on the gifts!
There's this guy at my work who always listens to opera and classical
music. I can often hear it through his headphones ... it sounds so
beautiful ... I wish I was able to listen to music here. He's in a
different department than me, though, so they have different rules.

Let me explain my building. We have one big room. Not huge, not
gigantic, just big. We have 4 rows of cubicles, one row with 5 cubicles
in a line, one row with 3 cubicles on either side, another row with 5
cubicles on either side, and one row with 3 cubicles on in a line. My
department only uses 6 cubicles. The department we share this room
with, A/R, uses the other 18.

This guy ... he's in a different department from me but his cubicle is
behind mine, our backs facing each other.

He plays his music every day ...

I could really just drift off into it.

Happy Turkey Day ... arf arf

This week we have Thursday and Friday off for Thanksgiving ... we are
eating Boston Market at my house. I don't really care because I get a
4-day weekend ... and I'm looking forward to those sweet potatoes.

I want to tell my grandparents that I'm gay, but I'm not sure how to
break it to them ... I doubt Chris will be coming over - she has to do
her stupid things with her stupid family too. I'm just glad that my
family doesn't hold hands and say what they're all thankful for ... it's
really only another reason to sit with my grandparents and listen to my
grandfather talk about upgrades to their house, weather, and boxing
championships. My grandmother has been pretty cool as of late, I think
she's getting much more comfortable around my sister and I now that
we're a bit older, although I do have to say that her and Shelby have a
much better relationship than me and her. It's my fault it's not
better. I could make the effort and be close to her ... but why when
I'm just going to disappoint her?

My grandfather will eventually tire of dull conversation and smoothly
steal our TV remote control ... and when we start talking he'll turn the
TV up louder. That's when I escape to my room, tired of not being
included in many conversations, tired of keeping a smile, tired of
holding my tongue from saying what I really want to say. I'll call
Chris and she won't answer ... or she will and she'll tell me she
doesn't want to be there - all the Spanish music, all the Christian
prayers, the loud talking and laughter you can hear from any corner of
the house. Katrina will try to talk to her about drugs, and Chacho will
wink at her, a hidden secret, as he gets drunk. She will not be
included in much unless her parents are bragging about her, and she'll
keep her whole life hidden without even the slightest desire to tell
these people about who she really is. There will be too much cake and
desert, and when she escapes to her room to talk to me, her father will
get angry or her mother insulted.

Come on everybody! It's Thanksgiving tomorrow! Let's all pretend we're
a perfect family!

Let's not tell our relatives that we're gay, that we don't believe in
God anymore, that we're struggling to stay afloat!

Don't mention the affair or the arrest!

Why do people keep things from their relatives? Why aren't we all

Who cares if they talk about you - if they do it then they're not worth
your time.

Who cares what they think? Aren't you your own person?

Why do I hate Thanksgiving so much?
After everything that's happened ...

Everything is okay, and the things that are not will be.
Once again, I'm not sure how my previous post went, or what I said ...
but I remember it wasn't too good.

Well now it's all over. I am no longer living with Tony, Jimmy, or
Stephanie ... and the only reason I have to give is because Jimmy and
Stephanie are uncomfortable with me being there because they don't know

The whole thing is actually much much messier than that. Tony said a
lot of mean things to Tanya that were apparently reasons why no one
wanted me there, and he said things like he didn't give a fuck if me and
Christin weren't his friends anymore after this whole spiel and that
Christin was the reason they wanted me out and all this very
emotionally-tying shit. So ... I spent the most of Tuesday crying and
being angry over everything. Christin took things quite badly too ...
And then I knew that I was going to have to go there and sit in front of
them and have them tell me all this stuff that I wasn't supposed to
know. But thank my lucky stars, Tony came and sat with me and he talked
to me alone. And he was whole-heartedly upset ... He cried. But he
never gave me any of those horrible reasons he had told Tanya, he only
put them in the midst of a bunch of bullshit examples ... but only I
knew he was doing that, I knew what fact was and what was fiction.
So we were fine after all of it, and I moved out my stuff yesterday. I
took the day off and moved ... and everything is so fucked up at this
moment that I don't even want to think about what's to come.
Tanya is angry with Tony for a lot of reasons that surround what has
happened at that house and what has happened between me and Tony ... and
I feel she has the right to be angry.
Tony is not doing his part in their relationship. Instead, he sits
around with the guys and smokes pot ... and I know this because I was
there, unaware at the time that he had blown Tanya off saying he needed
to build the wall in the garage, watching a movie with him and everyone
Tony becomes a different person when he smokes all day. He loses all
ambition, he looks blank and desolate. Not the person that we all know
and love! But now that he's moved back in with Jimmy, this is who he is
(except for when he was talking to me - he was still sober at that
moment). And this person doesn't care about all the things that were
important to him just two weeks ago.
And he's hurt me, and Christin, and he's hurting Tanya.
But does he even know he's hurt Chris or Tanya?
I know that he knows Tanya's mad at him, and I know that he knows that
he made Chris cry ...
And I know that he knows that he hurt me, that one's very obvious.
But how much does he really know?
He has lost all ambition to fix things.

Our finely crafted world is crumbling. No more sushi dates and smoke
nights. No World of Warcraft get-togethers ... no more 'Hey guyyyys!'
or cowtales and documentaries. No more Lucky Buffett and Tanya only
eating crablegs and huge heaps of ice cream. No more double anything,
no more going over there and Tanya and I against Tony and Chris.

Everything is failing and nothing is right.
And all we can really do is watch while he loses everything that was
once such a big part of all of our lives.
He buckles under pressure ... I doubt this will get better.
So I don't really remember all that I said in my post yesterday, and
since I'm posting from email I can't really go look ...

But some really bad crap has happened, and the shittiest thing of all is
that I'm not supposed to even know.

I get home yesterday from a bad day of work, and all I want to do is go
have a cigarette in the lounge and relax.

But there's a note on the door to the garage saying there's no more
cigarette smoking in the lounge anymore. The note was like, such a joke
... it pissed me off so much that I took all my pieces, my ashtray, my
radio and everything of mine out of the garage. Then, I sat on the back
porch with Chris smoking cigarettes and I just cried. I cried because
of how everything's been going. How Tony hasn't even been acting nice
towards us, just staring at us so empty, and how I feel like a stranger
in the midst of a large group of friends, and how the only person who
ties me in won't even have a conversation with me.

How Stephanie hides in her room and puts post-its everywhere, and Jimmy
just does whatever he wants, says whatever he wants ... and everyone
follows. How between me and Tony, we pay the rent and I don't know
where Jimmy's $550 and whatever Stephanie pays goes to because I know
that utilities don't cost that much. I'm not daft.

I'm already so tired of it. I spent the majority of last night crying.
I had left my cell phone (my only phone) at Christin's house, but I
didn't have enough gas to go all the way there and back again for the
second time, so she offered to let me sleep over.

We called Tanya and went to hang out with her; then everything just kind
of fell to the floor.

She asked how the house was and I gradually told her everything. She
said I was explaining exactly what happened in Philly when she lived
with them, and those were all the reasons she left. Then, she told me
something that had happened between her and Tony.

After they had made up after fighting about not telling me or her about
Stephanie living there, they went to his parents house to get the rest
of his stuff. Tony and Jimmy's mom started asking all these questions
about me, and when she asked how old I was, Tony said 20/21, and Tanya
said 18/19. Tanya is right, but Tony looked at her like 'WTF?' and told
her she was wrong. So I guess I connected everything and the other
night, Mike, who is Tony's best friend and Stephanie's brother, asked me
how old I was and I told him that I was soon turning 19. Yesterday,
Tanya went to say goodbye to Tony at work, and he said to her, 'Tanya,
how old is Kiersten?' and she said 'Well I guess she's 21'
(sarcastically). Apparently Tony wouldn't go into it because it was in
the middle of his department, but the fact that I'm 18 seems to be a big
problem ....

And it seems to be one of the reasons we're having this house meeting,
although this is something I'm not supposed to know.

So tonight is the meeting, and Tanya and I went over all the
possibilities of what could happen. She said that the looks Tony was
giving her were pretty serious, and he made it seem like my age was a
really huge factor in my living there. So I could be getting kicked out
... after only 4 days. The shittiest thing is that they all know what
this is about and I'm the only one who's left clueless. I might have a
clue of one topic they're going to discuss ... but for all I know there
could be many more things. Or they could be kicking me out. Or they
could just want to resolve things, although I'm not sure why my age has
anything to do with it.

The funny thing to me is that I'm younger than all of them and I make
more money than all of them. So they're stuck if they try to say they
feel like I'm unstable or something like that. How could I be unstable
when I make more money and have more responsibilities than them? I pay
my car payments, my car insurance, my cell phone, my medication; I buy
my food and my cigarettes, and I pay them rent. What does my age have
anything to do with anything? I'm not drinking or anything, and
besides, when you turn 18 you may legally drink in your own home as long
as you don't leave. I don't understand what the fucking problem is!

I just know, I know ... that if they try to kick me out that it's going
to be nasty. Tony fucking brought me into this whole thing,
misinforming me the whole time ... and after knowing him for almost a
year, he's going to say he doesn't know how old I am, and after saying
so many times that we were like his best friends, now he hardly talks to
me unless he's sober? Plus if they kick me out .... I'll be in a
fucking fighting mood, damn. I blame this whole mess on him.
So, I'm moved in.

This past weekend is hard for me to recall ... I know I watched 3 movies
(WOW.) and smoked a lot.

I have found an annoyance in Jimmy's girlfriend, Stephanie. She is
nice, and she's even funny, but she keeps all the appliances unplugged
when she's not using them, like the Microwave for example. I've never
heard of this, nor have I ever even conceived the notion that people
might keep their appliances and things like radios unplugged when
they're not in use. They don't use up energy when they're not on, so
why inconvenience everyone?

Plus, she likes to write a lot of notes and hide in her room instead of

Once people she knows come over, though, she's out and doing things.

I'm not sure I really understand what's up with this chick.

Now suddenly, there's a 'House Meeting' on Tuesday at 7 pm, and
apparently it's mandatory and if we don't have time, we must make time.

I had no plans for Tuesday, but I want to know what the hell is going on
before Tuesday.

I just have this awful feeling that it's something to do with me,
although I know I've done nothing wrong, nor have I shown any kind of

I can't think of what it is besides discussing 1) House rules, or 2)
Monetary Issues.

Neither one brings a sense of joy to me. Stephanie's already labeled
all the lights and put notes on every door telling us what to do when we
leave or come in or something like that.

In a strange sense I feel like I had more freedom at my parent's house

But here I have no one nagging me, no one telling me when to do things.
If I don't do my dishes, I don't do them ... I'll do them later or
someone else will do them. And when I don't mind doing dishes, I clear
the sink or the dishwasher.

Ahh ... anyway, that's my update for now. I must do the little work I
have right now.


I am

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